indifference

Ever since this semester began, I have felt indifferent. I had set goals for myself, to help myself grow and mature in my spiritual walk. But I think I started this semester off on the wrong foot. I quickly became more and more indifferent to school, my faith, and life. Everyday became a blur, a constant, mundane repetition of the day or week before. I woke up each day only to go through the motions of living- wake up, class, eat, class, sleep. Repeat. I found myself feeling like life was passing before my eyes, heck it’s March already. I felt like life was just slipping through my hands and into oblivion as I stopped caring about academics. I didn’t do any homework, didn’t study, and simply didn’t care. I didn’t even know when my exams were coming up. I skipped church, core small group became a chore, and I didn’t feel connected with anyone or anything.

So what happened? what about all my talk about intimacy and growing and maturing? Well, it never really took off. After coming in from winter break, I felt out of fellowship and I guess I never really got plugged back in like I needed to. IV didn’t feel like the IV I knew last semester. Nothing really felt like last semester. Maybe I was disillusioned about my college experience and the excitement and joys of being here have finally waned. Maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable or have taken for granted the people and opportunities around me. I’m not really sure. I’ve had my fair share of discouragements already this semester too, especially after going on a trip to Austin. I felt discouraged and influenced by those who had stopped caring for their faith or were stuck in a seemingly stagnant depression. Maybe I felt like to deal with all this, I had to be cold. A cold impervious wall, not susceptible to pain, perhaps. My passion for almost everything dimmed. Music, photography, longboarding, school- I became indifferent to all of these. I found myself wasting my life away at the student union playing pool between classes, or just aimlessly surfing the web instead of living and enjoying a life of purpose and meaning.

Why? I was indifferent, I was in darkness. Maybe I was ignorant. Part of me believed that I could enjoy and get away with living life half-heartedly to my commitments. I became selfish and began to think people should care and pay more attention to me. I desired a relationship. I withdrew and became a shell of being who lived day by day, wandering aimlessly and without purpose and meaning. But I can’t live that way, and I know it. That’s not truly living.

Jesus said
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” -John 8:12

I am walking in the darkness of this indifference, this apathy, this emptiness. I want to follow you, Jesus, but what is holding me back? I’m tired of singing hollow praises to You. I want the words from my lips to also ring true in my heart.

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Grace fell from the sky on February 12, 2010. Literally. A foot of white, pure, fluffy snow enveloped the earth. The ground was white , covered with 1 foot of snow. Never before had Dallas seen this much snow, never before have I experienced grace so directly. Why? Because I was so out of it, I was so indifferent towards school and life, that I had forgotten my priorities and had forgotten I had midterm that day. School was supposed to be closed at 11am that day, and class was going to be at 11:30. I was going to skip. But instead, classes were cancelled as God rained down his grace to me in the most tangible way. I was supposed to fail the exam, I was supposed to get zero credit, because I wasn’t even aware of the test and wasn’t even going to show up. The highest grade I could get in that class was supposed to be an 80.

The test came that following monday. I walked out of the classroom thinking that I had failed miserably. But I didn’t, but everyone else did. So there was a curve. A freakin 20 point curve. I ended up getting a 103 on that test. That was supposed to have been impossible considering how much I studied…

You can call it a record snow-fall, you can call it luck or coincidence, but I’ll call it a miracle. For me, it’s the day Grace kissed the earth, if just for a moment…

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It would be unfair me to rant about all the discouraging things in my life. God has been faithful to me, even when I’m when I’m faithless and indifferent. I can still see God working in my life.

Answered prayers:

You gave me brothers to run this race with, here and now. Brothers to counsel me, befriend me, to hang out with, fellowship with. A friend to really run the race with, to be there for, and to grow and learn how to love you more and more. I didn’t really have any of these people in my life before, even last semester. Suddenly they’re all here in my life, closer than ever before.
I hope I can be there for you guys as you all have been there for me.

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It’s taken me a while to write this post, but today I hear what God has been trying to say to me after all these weeks:

“Fix your eyes on me. Set your heart on me. FACE me“

Fix your eyes on me so I can show you the world,
how wonderful the life I have for you- let me give you eyes to see the world as I see it, let me be your vision, your hopes, your dreams, your everything.

Set your heart on me so I can give you what your heart desires-
LOVE. COMPLETENESS. SATISFACTION. comfort. peace. the HOLY SPIRIT LIVING within you. Let me live within you, let me dwell with you, so that you’re never alone. cause you have me, and I am yours.
Let me work and change you from the inside out…

FACE me. Be angry, yell, scream, cry, even rebel- BUT FACE me. Tell me your worries, your troubles, bring it ALL to me, and I will deal with it. DON’T IGNORE ME, but let me work in your life. I am the only one who can deal with what your heart yearns for. Don’t face anything else but me – the music, the voices, the pain, the anguish, the bitterness- FACE ME FIRST!

Now that I know, what will I do?

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