breaking the silence

This note is for you. If you’re reading this, you know who you are. I have to say with deep regret that I haven’t said any of this sooner or that I could tell you this in person, but I feel that this would be the best way for me to say what I want to say in its completeness.

I feel like I barely know you anymore. You were like a brother to me but it seems that our paths have diverged. You went your way and I went mine, both of us in silence as we walked further and further away. I will honestly say that I miss you, yet I am guilty of never reconnecting to you because of thoughts that a friendship with you would be in vain or because I don’t know what to say to you anymore. As all my friendships faded throughout high school, I began to hate the facades and masks everyone was wearing and the superficiality of almost everyone I knew. It’s hard for me to say out of all these people how many I say actually knew deeply. Three maybe? Perhaps even fewer now.

I see you as the other me, in some ways. The other me who drifted off, wandering aimlessly in life and chasing things, people, girls, all in vain. All to try fill a deep dark void inside your heart that nothing will satisfy. To me, I see a life broken and torn to a thousand pieces as every time you pursue a dream, a goal, or relationship, your world comes falling down. You say shit happens, but I wonder if life didn’t have to be this way for you.

I can only speak for myself. I am in no way better, smarter, or more knowledgeable than you. I speak simply as an estranged friend who cares for you. Last time we talked, I asked you what drives you. What is the purpose and motivation to live life? Why should I wake up each morning and what is the meaning of life? All that I experience, toil, labor, pursue, dream, love, what is all for? I find utter depravity in what the world tells me. Fame, fortune, romantic love, all selfish endeavors- these are the lies in which I found no substance. The world told me that I was worthless, that nobody gives a damn and when you finally trust something or someone they will fail you. I was led to believe that perhaps life was just trying to find more pleasure than pain.

I had the luxury of a loving family, wealth and opportunity to achieve or attain anything I could want, or so I thought. But why was I dissatisfied? I found myself waking each morning, looking into a mirror and wondering who I was and why I was alive. I often felt more of an obligation to live for the sake of my parents, family or those who loved me rather to live for myself. I can honestly say there were many times that I didn’t want to live because life was so empty. I failed time and time again at everything I pursued. I based my self-worth on the success I had in academics or accomplishments, both of which I found too few or ungratifying.

So why am I still living when all of my dreams of college and love shattered in my hands and when I find the world bleak and empty? People say life is what you make it, but I already knew that whatever destiny I could forge with my own hands would ultimately fail – I know my own limits and capabilities. I began to see that for life to have a greater meaning than I found, there had to be something greater than ourselves. Something greater than the flawed nature of man, something greater than the depravity of our self-centered egos, greed, lust, wars and hate. Something greater than even our imperfect human love, incapable of being fully selfless. I found that something, or rather this something found me. I’ve wanted to share this with you because it is my drive. This something I found is faith in God has been worth waking up each morning to live and breathe another day. I will say I struggle much with the validity of such a being, let alone a divine, perfect, just, and loving one that wants anything to do with a mere mortal as myself. What I couldn’t answer through reasoning or logic, I found myself in awe in the mysteriousness and in curiosity of this God who promises me a new life – that is faith. But all I can say is that I had the opportunity (and still do) to turn away from my beliefs and faith and return to the empty world, but I won’t. I can confidently say that I’ve found my drive to live, my reason for waking up each day and knowing that I have a purpose, meaning, and value to my life – and it’s simply knowing God.

Coming back to this place I call home this summer was not an easy choice. I easily could have stayed in Dallas where I have many friends that could support and encourage me. I felt like I have nothing here – strangers I call friends, a church that I no longer know, thoughts that say reestablishing friendships is pointless/worthless (cause we’ll just stop talking after we go back to college) and just this overall feeling of emptiness and loneliness. But because of God I can say that I can face my past and know that God will lead me through the thick of it all, to a future and tomorrow worth waking up for. I don’t have to run away because it’s God who gives me the strength to endure any situation- by God’s grace I am sustained..

I will be the first to say and admit that I am a hypocrite in many aspects of my life. I fail so often to live up to the faith that I profess to, and in that sense I am no different than anyone else. I am sinful. I still hold on to my pride and selfishness though I am called to love and be selfless. It hurts me greatly to see anyone turned away from God because of my actions or lack thereof – I hope you are not one of them. If so, I ask for forgiveness and challenge you to see and explore what a life walking with God is like for yourself. I challenge you to look at my life 5 years down the road and seriously ask me if my faith has gotten me anywhere.

I am sorry that I can’t even tell you this face to face and have to hide behind the words of this blogpost. But at least know that I haven’t forgotten about you these last two-three years and you’ll always be that old friend to me. These are the words of my heart that have been building up to say this to you these past two years, please consider them.