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a brilliant consuming star

by all things seen come undone

revealed relentlessly close and afar

.

in its light i cannot stand

blinded and burned, a sharp pain

as if in a desert drowning in a sea of sand

i’m covered in stains

of sweat blood and tears

wishing that for the relief

that comes with end of day

.

but day never ends

a constant ever shining sun

all darkness withers in its presence

and hides in shadows it shuns

.

that leaves me no choice

but to keep treking on

to search for relief anew

or only sand to return

Today I will allow a crazy, loving, relentless
powerful God to consume me.

I will surrender, I will forfeit everything-
all my fears, doubts, despair, pain-
so that I may know Him, love Him, and obey Him

Starting today, I will allow You to work
in my life more and more
to rid me of myself, of my apathy, of my guilt,
my sorrow and shame and live for You

I want You. I want to love You more, but I can’t.
I’m helpless, desperate and weak. I need You
Consume me. Be my hope, my delight, and everything.
Be my first and greatest Love. Be my satisfaction,
fortress and peace.

Help me to walk in faith
Let me learn to love You with all that I am.

May I be a compass that forever points to You,
a light that reflects Your glory and Your love.
May this life You’ve given me be marked by
faithfulness and love for You

May every action I do honor You-

May my eyes see the broken and weak
and move into action. May my eyes be pure,
see Your vision, Your kingdom, Your will, and obey

May my hands be cleansed by Your amazing grace;
may my hands be pure and holy.
May You use my hands to touch the lives of others
and honor You.
May they extend Your true love and grace to others
as You’ve freely extended to me

May my feet walk in Your path, Your ways.
May they carry me to wherever You may lead me.
May I carry Your message those You call me to love,
even if I tire or am weary.

May everything that I am proclaim that You are God,
the only God- holy, perfect, loving and just.
Lead me to the cross. Mold me, shape me, transform me.
Whatever the cost.

For I am Yours.

a heavy downpour, a sporadic rain
overcast skies, broken momentarily
to reveal shimmers of sunlight,
only to be swallowed again and
return to perpetual gray

birds that build their nests
busily toiling during the day
cozily resting imprisoned
in their fortresses at night
choking, restrained

like the sand on the seashore
swept away by the tides
and eroded into waters blue
so shall i be too
fading into irrelevancy

===

it’s been a year since then. thank you for all the memories we shared, the joyful, the exciting, the emotional, the heart-wrenching - all three years of it. i’ve finally let go and have moved on. thank you for helping me mature and be a better man. i’ll always be there for you, as your brother from now on.

I feel like I barely know you anymore. You were like a brother to me but it seems that our paths have diverged. You went your way and I went mine, both of us in silence as we walked further and further away. I will honestly say that I miss you, yet I am guilty of never reconnecting to you because of thoughts that a friendship with you would be in vain or because I don’t know what to say to you anymore. As all my friendships faded throughout high school, I began to hate the facades and masks everyone was wearing and the superficiality of almost everyone I knew. It’s hard for me to say out of all these people how many I say actually knew deeply. Three maybe? Perhaps even fewer now.

I see you as the other me, in some ways. The other me who drifted off, wandering aimlessly in life and chasing things, people, girls, all in vain. All to try fill a deep dark void inside your heart that nothing will satisfy. To me, I see a life broken and torn to a thousand pieces as every time you pursue a dream, a goal, or relationship, your world comes falling down. You say shit happens, but I wonder if life didn’t have to be this way for you.

I can only speak for myself. I am in no way better, smarter, or more knowledgeable than you. I speak simply as an estranged friend who cares for you. Last time we talked, I asked you what drives you. What is the purpose and motivation to live life? Why should I wake up each morning and what is the meaning of life? All that I experience, toil, labor, pursue, dream, love, what is all for? I find utter depravity in what the world tells me. Fame, fortune, romantic love, all selfish endeavors- these are the lies in which I found no substance. The world told me that I was worthless, that nobody gives a damn and when you finally trust something or someone they will fail you. I was led to believe that perhaps life was just trying to find more pleasure than pain.

I had the luxury of a loving family, wealth and opportunity to achieve or attain anything I could want, or so I thought. But why was I dissatisfied? I found myself waking each morning, looking into a mirror and wondering who I was and why I was alive. I often felt more of an obligation to live for the sake of my parents, family or those who loved me rather to live for myself. I can honestly say there were many times that I didn’t want to live because life was so empty. I failed time and time again at everything I pursued. I based my self-worth on the success I had in academics or accomplishments, both of which I found too few or ungratifying.

So why am I still living when all of my dreams of college and love shattered in my hands and when I find the world bleak and empty? People say life is what you make it, but I already knew that whatever destiny I could forge with my own hands would ultimately fail – I know my own limits and capabilities. I began to see that for life to have a greater meaning than I found, there had to be something greater than ourselves. Something greater than the flawed nature of man, something greater than the depravity of our self-centered egos, greed, lust, wars and hate. Something greater than even our imperfect human love, incapable of being fully selfless. I found that something, or rather this something found me. I’ve wanted to share this with you because it is my drive. This something I found is faith in God has been worth waking up each morning to live and breathe another day. I will say I struggle much with the validity of such a being, let alone a divine, perfect, just, and loving one that wants anything to do with a mere mortal as myself. What I couldn’t answer through reasoning or logic, I found myself in awe in the mysteriousness and in curiosity of this God who promises me a new life – that is faith. But all I can say is that I had the opportunity (and still do) to turn away from my beliefs and faith and return to the empty world, but I won’t. I can confidently say that I’ve found my drive to live, my reason for waking up each day and knowing that I have a purpose, meaning, and value to my life – and it’s simply knowing God.

Coming back to this place I call home this summer was not an easy choice. I easily could have stayed in Dallas where I have many friends that could support and encourage me. I felt like I have nothing here – strangers I call friends, a church that I no longer know, thoughts that say reestablishing friendships is pointless/worthless (cause we’ll just stop talking after we go back to college) and just this overall feeling of emptiness and loneliness. But because of God I can say that I can face my past and know that God will lead me through the thick of it all, to a future and tomorrow worth waking up for. I don’t have to run away because it’s God who gives me the strength to endure any situation- by God’s grace I am sustained..

I will be the first to say and admit that I am a hypocrite in many aspects of my life. I fail so often to live up to the faith that I profess to, and in that sense I am no different than anyone else. I am sinful. I still hold on to my pride and selfishness though I am called to love and be selfless. It hurts me greatly to see anyone turned away from God because of my actions or lack thereof – I hope you are not one of them. If so, I ask for forgiveness and challenge you to see and explore what a life walking with God is like for yourself. I challenge you to look at my life 5 years down the road and seriously ask me if my faith has gotten me anywhere.

I am sorry that I can’t even tell you this face to face and have to hide behind the words of this blogpost. But at least know that I haven’t forgotten about you these last two-three years and you’ll always be that old friend to me. These are the words of my heart that have been building up to say this to you these past two years, please consider them.

===

What demons that lurk inside I cannot tell
it pulses through my veins
and poisons my blood
for it there is no cure in mortal realm
it drives me to lust after flesh
instills jealousy, greed, and arrogance
and to think that I am anything of worth
I am nothing

what evil that blinds my eyes I cannot see
for a heart of darkness captures me
in chains fettered locked and cold
that drives me into oblivion
almost lost, infinitely

woe to me a desolate soul
whose seen the light but still remains enthroned
unyielding, stubborn and stuck
in the abyss of black and old
I am nothing, lost and utterly weak
and so long as I strive within my own might
i shall always with open arms
welcome defeat

Only You, can You conquer my soul
and rid me of all darkness, and exert Your control
You, who commands the heavens, the angels,
life, and even death
only by You, can have the means to pay the great debt
for the redemption of the world
for every last soul
You paid the price, You took the ultimate toll

Yet why do I still indulge in selfish vain
that I cheapen Your grace and You disdain
Why am I a light that refuses to shine
and ends up instead swallowed by the night
If not for You, I have only despair by my side
Yet I reject You, for my disease is pride

Take my everything, these petty plans,
wisdom, and skills of mine
my heart, my soul, and tainted mind
and with swiftness and grace
crush the darkness and the poison within
and break the impervious stone wall inside
and unleash Your love, Your light, Your strength
cause life without You, O God, is futile pain

]]> http://applesplice.wordpress.com/2010/04/27/353/feed/ 3 applesplice http://applesplice.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/its-spring-outside-but-winter-inside/ http://applesplice.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/its-spring-outside-but-winter-inside/#comments Fri, 02 Apr 2010 09:20:54 +0000 applesplice http://applesplice.wordpress.com/?p=99 ]]> I have to ask myself a few questions.

Is knowing You what I truly seek?

Why do I wake up each day with no desire to really continue life?

I can’t really feel, I can’t cry, but the hardest part is that I don’t know why.

I won’t give up though. Never, as long as I live, as long as I still breathe.

Everyday, I have to ask myself,

God, do I believe in Your grace, Your love, Your salvation, and purpose for me?

Persistent, persevering faith demands me to hold on and say yes, I believe.

But oh how I struggle to say so, or even answer every morning.

When no one’s around, I’m all empty, lonely and sad inside.

I can only ask for two things:

1) for Grace like rain to fall upon my life, for the Living water to fill me up and overflow, to be sustained, dependent, and living in You and You alone

2) for me to understand your grace and love, especially today

forgive me Lord for such weak faith.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

-Isaiah 53:5 NIV

So what happened? what about all my talk about intimacy and growing and maturing? Well, it never really took off. After coming in from winter break, I felt out of fellowship and I guess I never really got plugged back in like I needed to. IV didn’t feel like the IV I knew last semester. Nothing really felt like last semester. Maybe I was disillusioned about my college experience and the excitement and joys of being here have finally waned. Maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable or have taken for granted the people and opportunities around me. I’m not really sure. I’ve had my fair share of discouragements already this semester too, especially after going on a trip to Austin. I felt discouraged and influenced by those who had stopped caring for their faith or were stuck in a seemingly stagnant depression. Maybe I felt like to deal with all this, I had to be cold. A cold impervious wall, not susceptible to pain, perhaps. My passion for almost everything dimmed. Music, photography, longboarding, school- I became indifferent to all of these. I found myself wasting my life away at the student union playing pool between classes, or just aimlessly surfing the web instead of living and enjoying a life of purpose and meaning.

Why? I was indifferent, I was in darkness. Maybe I was ignorant. Part of me believed that I could enjoy and get away with living life half-heartedly to my commitments. I became selfish and began to think people should care and pay more attention to me. I desired a relationship. I withdrew and became a shell of being who lived day by day, wandering aimlessly and without purpose and meaning. But I can’t live that way, and I know it. That’s not truly living.

Jesus said
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” -John 8:12

I am walking in the darkness of this indifference, this apathy, this emptiness. I want to follow you, Jesus, but what is holding me back? I’m tired of singing hollow praises to You. I want the words from my lips to also ring true in my heart.

===

Grace fell from the sky on February 12, 2010. Literally. A foot of white, pure, fluffy snow enveloped the earth. The ground was white , covered with 1 foot of snow. Never before had Dallas seen this much snow, never before have I experienced grace so directly. Why? Because I was so out of it, I was so indifferent towards school and life, that I had forgotten my priorities and had forgotten I had midterm that day. School was supposed to be closed at 11am that day, and class was going to be at 11:30. I was going to skip. But instead, classes were cancelled as God rained down his grace to me in the most tangible way. I was supposed to fail the exam, I was supposed to get zero credit, because I wasn’t even aware of the test and wasn’t even going to show up. The highest grade I could get in that class was supposed to be an 80.

The test came that following monday. I walked out of the classroom thinking that I had failed miserably. But I didn’t, but everyone else did. So there was a curve. A freakin 20 point curve. I ended up getting a 103 on that test. That was supposed to have been impossible considering how much I studied…

You can call it a record snow-fall, you can call it luck or coincidence, but I’ll call it a miracle. For me, it’s the day Grace kissed the earth, if just for a moment…

===

It would be unfair me to rant about all the discouraging things in my life. God has been faithful to me, even when I’m when I’m faithless and indifferent. I can still see God working in my life.

Answered prayers:

You gave me brothers to run this race with, here and now. Brothers to counsel me, befriend me, to hang out with, fellowship with. A friend to really run the race with, to be there for, and to grow and learn how to love you more and more. I didn’t really have any of these people in my life before, even last semester. Suddenly they’re all here in my life, closer than ever before.
I hope I can be there for you guys as you all have been there for me.

===

It’s taken me a while to write this post, but today I hear what God has been trying to say to me after all these weeks:

“Fix your eyes on me. Set your heart on me. FACE me“

Fix your eyes on me so I can show you the world,
how wonderful the life I have for you- let me give you eyes to see the world as I see it, let me be your vision, your hopes, your dreams, your everything.

Set your heart on me so I can give you what your heart desires-
LOVE. COMPLETENESS. SATISFACTION. comfort. peace. the HOLY SPIRIT LIVING within you. Let me live within you, let me dwell with you, so that you’re never alone. cause you have me, and I am yours.
Let me work and change you from the inside out…

FACE me. Be angry, yell, scream, cry, even rebel- BUT FACE me. Tell me your worries, your troubles, bring it ALL to me, and I will deal with it. DON’T IGNORE ME, but let me work in your life. I am the only one who can deal with what your heart yearns for. Don’t face anything else but me – the music, the voices, the pain, the anguish, the bitterness- FACE ME FIRST!

Now that I know, what will I do?

why hello there good sir
what’s your name?
we’re very alike
but not the same

i’ve seen you in the distant
followed you in your strides
and all the footprints
you’ve left behind

will i ever get to know you,
dear friend of mine?